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G's Guide to
Being Cool
Greetings, fellow teen! Since all stereotypes
are always true, you must be in a constant state of
needing friends, but not having any. Of being
extremely horny, and not being able to get
so much as a glance from the opposite sex (or your
sex, depending on your orientation). Of constantly
being pressured by your only friend to try various
illeagle substancecs. Well, my friend, I have your
answer!
CLOTHES
One of the most important factors in populairity
is the way you dress. At time of writing, Tommy
Hilfiger is extremely trendy. As a general guide,
any designer who's name you see more than fifteen
times a day at school is great. It helps if a
t-shirt costs upwards of $50.
If you're a guy, think big. Big pants, big
shirts, big wallets, big pockets, big chains that
attach your big wallet to your big pants, ect. You
get the picture. Don't forget to spike your bangs
up with gel.
If you're a girl, wear either big baggy pants
with small, tight shirts, or tight capries with
small tight shirts, depending on your figure.
Again for girls, devour fashion
magazines. The more, the trendier! Seventeen, YM,
Jump, Twist, the list goes on. Along with coveted
fashion info, they also provide intelligent stories
about realistic people, useful quizzes, and great
advice.
INTERNET
Get an ultra-cool account at hotmail. Make your
user name is cool as possible. Include refferences
to gender, sex, hobbies, swear words ("bitch" is
especially good), sex, ect, followed by a string of
numbers. For example, if you decide on
SexyBitchyHockeyLover, it will probably be taken,
so you'll have to use SexyBitchyHockeyLover99. When
you type, avoid unnecissary keystrokes. U shud tIp
lIk this alwAz sO Ur fingRz dOnt get tIrd
Chat constantly. Yahoo! Chat, Talkcity, IRC,
ICQ, whatever else you can find that lets you hook
up with other kids so you can have online sex.
Remember: Everyone on the web is who they
say they are, and can be trusted with any info they
want.
Additionally, it is common knowledge that all
chain letters are real, and that they will in fact
kill you if you do not redistribute them to
everyone you know, or have ever come into contact
with.
TELEVISION
Whatch whatever's hot. Friends is a sure
bet. The Simpon's is another fool-proof
show. Avoid Discovery Channel, A&E, TLC,
Showcase, Bravo!, ect like the plague. If your
happen to know on which channel any of these
stations are located, forget now. Only
weirdos whatch them, or know of their
existance.
EVERYDAY CONVERSATION
If you really want to "diss" someone, call them
"queer", "gay", "faggot", "fag", ect. It is wrong
to be gay, or to be different at all. Nobody knows
why. (The next time you hear someone call another a
fag, ask what's wrong with that. It isn't likely
they'll have an answer for you.)
"Bitch" is pretty good all-purpose word for both
genders, though it is meaner to use it on a guy.
Placing "fuckin(g)" ahead of any diss will amplify
the effect. "Skank", "hoar", "slut", "hoe", or any
other refferences to prostitues may only be used on
women.
Always act like you know what you're talking
about. If somebody's talking about something you
can't even feign knowledge about, make fun of them.
Hey, it's easier then actually knowing stuff.
IMAGE
Just in case you haven't clued in yet, what
people think of you is exremely imprortant to your
self worth. If people think negitively of you, it's
because your a worthless bastard. You can, however,
change what people think of you in 3 steps:
1. Identify the problem
Do you have a reputaition for being a computer
nerd? Do you dress oddly? Do you have weird ideas?
Are you a member of a non orthodox religion?
2. See how you can change the situation
Depending on what it is, you could actually
change your defect(s) into a benifit. For example,
if you are a techie nerd, write a program to change
the passwords on the school computers, then tell
all your would-be friends the code. (BTW: Make sure
it's cool. upyours, schoolsux, fucku,
ikillallteachers, ect.) Depending on how you dress
oddly, and what kind of weird ideas you have, turn
it into an image. Be a hippy, a goth, ect. It
really depends on what kind of image these have at
your school. At my school, goths are really in,
wheras hippies are out.
3. (for guys) Do it
Guys, have sex. Preferably, with a girl who
isn't a slut, so you don't come accoress as a
loser.
If you have already done irrepairable damage to
your rep, consider switching schools.
WHEN MEETING NEW PEOPLE
If by any chance you meet someone new, be as
cool as you can around them. Reffer to all above
steps. If they are a member of the opposite sex,
flirt madly and show off. Hell, show off even if
they aren't. It can't hurt.
CONCLUSION
You are now well on you way to becoming one of
the coolest people at your school. If you keep all
this in mind, you will become, popular, well-known,
well liked, and an all-round better person.
Disclaimer: This article
was written just for fun, and was not at all meant
to be serious. If you follow any advice here, or
belive anything I've said here, it's your fault for
being a sap, and you, my friend, are an idiot. Go
get some proffesional help.
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